You enter your apartment. Buttons the cat greets you with a warm purr.
> EXAMINE ANSWERING MACHINE
The answering machine is black, with silver trim. The phone rests in the cradle. The red LED displays a solid "1", indicating you have one message you have already heard.
> TURN ON XBOX 360
You boot your Xbox 360. You reach the dashboard.
> LOG IN TO XBOX LIVE WITH RECOVERY ACCOUNT
You attempt to sign on with your recovery account, but you receive a network error.
> LOG IN TO XBOX LIVE WITH RECOVERY ACCOUNT
You sign on with your recovery account.
> CHECK POINTS ON XBOX 360
Achievement points or Microsoft points?
> CHECK MICROSOFT POINTS ON XBOX 360
You have 0 Microsoft points.
> FUCKITY FUCK FUCK
You kiss your mother with that mouth?
> PRESS BUTTON ON ANSWERING MACHINE
Which button?
> PRESS PLAY BUTTON ON ANSWERING MACHINE
A message from someone who sounds like "Suzette" plays. Your request to be refunded your points has been either put in or is being processed.
Suzette says she'll give you a call back within 24 to 48 hours, or you can call her at the phone number she mentions and give the case number.
This message was left Monday afternoon.
> CHECK DAY OF WEEK ON CALENDAR
Today is Wednesday.
> CHECK WATCH
It is 8:30 PM.
> DO COMPLICATED TIME MATH
Through a series of difficult equations, you deduce that it has been over 48 hours since Suzette has called.
The stress of the math makes you realize that you have been awake for 16 hours straight. You should think about going to bed.
> PICK UP PHONE
You pick up the phone.
> TAKE NOTEPAD
You pick up the notepad.
> TAKE PEN
You pick up a pen.
> TRANSCRIBE MESSAGE ON ANSWERING MACHINE
You get part of the phone number written down before the message ends.
> TRANSCRIBE MESSAGE ON ANSWERING MACHINE
You get ten digits, but they may not be right.
> TRANSCRIBE MESSAGE ON ANSWERING MACHINE
You get all ten digits right and the first four of the case number.
You are tired. You should think about going to bed.
> TRANSCRIBE MESSAGE ON ANSWERING MACHINE
You now have all of the relevant information.
> CALL 1-800-469-9269 ON PHONE
You dial 1-800-4MY-XBOX.
> OH CHRIST IT'S A TRAP
General Akbar would be proud.
The Xbox tone plays. Max, the automated menu, answers the phone in a chipper voice. He begins: "Hey, thanks for calling Xbox Customer support."
> SAY "OPERATOR"
Max doesn't respond.
Max says "Your call may be monitored or recorded for quality assurance. My name is Max, and I can help you find what you're looking for. Do you need help with: Xbox Console, Xbox Live, Xbox Games, or Accounts and Billing?"
> SAY "XBOX LIVE"
Max continues: "Which console are you calling about? The original Xbox, or the Xbox 360?"
You are very tired. You should go to bed.
> SAY "XBOX 360"
"Xbox 360, gotcha. Here's a tip. You can visit xbox.com/marketplace to get the latest information about downloads and other information about Xbox Live."
> SIGH
You sigh.
"So what are you trying to find out about?," Max continues.
> SAY "OPERATOR"
Max responds, "I'll see if I can find someone else who can help you out. The representative will be able to help you faster if you have your gamer tag ready."
You are extremely tired. Go to bed.
> WAIT
A female voice says "PLEASE WAIT!", followed by two tones.
> PREPARE TO ROCK OUT TO HOLD MUSIC
You get in a comfortable position to chair dance.
You are about to pass out from exhaustion.
An automated female voice answers the phone.
> QUIRK BROW
"Thank you for contacting Xbox. We are unable to answer your call at this time. Please try calling again later, or visit the Xbox web site at www.xbox.com. Thank you for calling. Goodbye."
The phone disconnects.
You pass out.
GAME OVER
Your final score is 0 out of 17,000 Microsoft Points.
RESTORE, RESTART, QUIT?
Author: Dan Dickinson
Categories
Are You McLovin?
Today, I was talking to [Matty](http://www.capndesign.com/) about [Superbad](http://www.areyousuperbad.com/). So sure, the original trailer is great, but the “red band trailer” (distinguished by the red MPAA screen) is fantastic, possibly even the stuff of legend.
But [the YouTube link](http://youtube.com/watch?v=FPc28FASaEE) I had posted before has been pulled. Now, seemingly, the only way to get at it was through the official site’s [age verification section](http://www.sonypictures.com/movies/superbad/site/agegate/index.html).
An abridged list of things we’ve learned on the Internet in the last ten years:
* CAPTCHAs don’t work.
* Cats are simultaneously hilarious and adorable.
* Anti-spam methods don’t work.
* Talking like an idiot never goes out of style.
* Age verification methods don’t work.
I’d like to focus on the last one, obviously.
The form to verify your age looks something like this:
The fine print on the same page reads:
>I understand that I am allowed to enter the Restricted Area only if I am 18 years or older and have a valid driver’s license. To verify my age, I hereby authorize Verification Financial Assurance Corporation (“VeriFAC”) to confirm the accuracy of the information I have provided against government-issued records. I acknowledge that the information I am providing on this page will not be collected by Sony and that it will only be accessed and used by VeriFAC to verify my age and for no other purposes.
So you have to have a driver’s license and be 18 or older. It would be easy to question the wisdom of forcing people to have a license to operate a motor vehicle to view an awesome movie trailer, but let’s not argue with that decision. It’s not like kids could just use their parents details – no kid under 18 knows their parents first *and* last names, let alone their birth day and their zip code. That’s some strong four-factor authentication.
Anyhow, the truly amusing part for me is that so much of the original trailer revolves around one character (Fogell, played by the incredibly named Christopher Mintz-Plasse) getting a fake ID with the name “McLovin” on it.
In what may be the greatest wasted opportunity in movie web site hisotry, the form does not successfully validate if you use a last name of “McLovin”, with a birth date of 06/03/1981 and a zip code of 96820. You get an error complaining that you didn’t fill out the first name field. Jesus, people, don’t you get it? He doesn’t even *have* a first name. HE **IS** McLOVIN.
I guess all you kids under 18 are out of luck if you want to watch [the red band trailer](http://flash.sonypictures.com/video/movies/superbad/site/SB_redband.flv), and you’ll have to wait till you’re older to see the DVD of what may be the greatest summer movie of all time. Sucks to be you, kids.
Sucks to be you.
Categories
What Happened To Safe Sleep?
Yesterday, on the Boot Camp page for Leopard, was a few paragraphs about a useful new feature:
> Leopard brings a quicker way to switch between Mac OS X and Windows: Just choose the new Apple menu item “Restart in Windows.” Your Mac goes into “safe sleep” so that when you return, you’ll be right where you were. It’s much faster than restarting the computer each time.
> Likewise, a “Restart in Mac OS X” menu item in the Boot Camp System Tray in Windows makes for a faster return to Mac OS X. With Windows hibernation enabled, you can pick up where you left off.
Today, [that text is gone.](http://www.apple.com/macosx/leopard/features/bootcamp.html)
Anyone know what happened?