You enter your apartment. Buttons the cat greets you with a warm purr.
> EXAMINE ANSWERING MACHINE
The answering machine is black, with silver trim. The phone rests in the cradle. The red LED displays a solid "1", indicating you have one message you have already heard.
> TURN ON XBOX 360
You boot your Xbox 360. You reach the dashboard.
> LOG IN TO XBOX LIVE WITH RECOVERY ACCOUNT
You attempt to sign on with your recovery account, but you receive a network error.
> LOG IN TO XBOX LIVE WITH RECOVERY ACCOUNT
You sign on with your recovery account.
> CHECK POINTS ON XBOX 360
Achievement points or Microsoft points?
> CHECK MICROSOFT POINTS ON XBOX 360
You have 0 Microsoft points.
> FUCKITY FUCK FUCK
You kiss your mother with that mouth?
> PRESS BUTTON ON ANSWERING MACHINE
Which button?
> PRESS PLAY BUTTON ON ANSWERING MACHINE
A message from someone who sounds like "Suzette" plays. Your request to be refunded your points has been either put in or is being processed.
Suzette says she'll give you a call back within 24 to 48 hours, or you can call her at the phone number she mentions and give the case number.
This message was left Monday afternoon.
> CHECK DAY OF WEEK ON CALENDAR
Today is Wednesday.
> CHECK WATCH
It is 8:30 PM.
> DO COMPLICATED TIME MATH
Through a series of difficult equations, you deduce that it has been over 48 hours since Suzette has called.
The stress of the math makes you realize that you have been awake for 16 hours straight. You should think about going to bed.
> PICK UP PHONE
You pick up the phone.
> TAKE NOTEPAD
You pick up the notepad.
> TAKE PEN
You pick up a pen.
> TRANSCRIBE MESSAGE ON ANSWERING MACHINE
You get part of the phone number written down before the message ends.
> TRANSCRIBE MESSAGE ON ANSWERING MACHINE
You get ten digits, but they may not be right.
> TRANSCRIBE MESSAGE ON ANSWERING MACHINE
You get all ten digits right and the first four of the case number.
You are tired. You should think about going to bed.
> TRANSCRIBE MESSAGE ON ANSWERING MACHINE
You now have all of the relevant information.
> CALL 1-800-469-9269 ON PHONE
You dial 1-800-4MY-XBOX.
> OH CHRIST IT'S A TRAP
General Akbar would be proud.
The Xbox tone plays. Max, the automated menu, answers the phone in a chipper voice. He begins: "Hey, thanks for calling Xbox Customer support."
> SAY "OPERATOR"
Max doesn't respond.
Max says "Your call may be monitored or recorded for quality assurance. My name is Max, and I can help you find what you're looking for. Do you need help with: Xbox Console, Xbox Live, Xbox Games, or Accounts and Billing?"
> SAY "XBOX LIVE"
Max continues: "Which console are you calling about? The original Xbox, or the Xbox 360?"
You are very tired. You should go to bed.
> SAY "XBOX 360"
"Xbox 360, gotcha. Here's a tip. You can visit xbox.com/marketplace to get the latest information about downloads and other information about Xbox Live."
> SIGH
You sigh.
"So what are you trying to find out about?," Max continues.
> SAY "OPERATOR"
Max responds, "I'll see if I can find someone else who can help you out. The representative will be able to help you faster if you have your gamer tag ready."
You are extremely tired. Go to bed.
> WAIT
A female voice says "PLEASE WAIT!", followed by two tones.
> PREPARE TO ROCK OUT TO HOLD MUSIC
You get in a comfortable position to chair dance.
You are about to pass out from exhaustion.
An automated female voice answers the phone.
> QUIRK BROW
"Thank you for contacting Xbox. We are unable to answer your call at this time. Please try calling again later, or visit the Xbox web site at www.xbox.com. Thank you for calling. Goodbye."
The phone disconnects.
You pass out.
GAME OVER
Your final score is 0 out of 17,000 Microsoft Points.
RESTORE, RESTART, QUIT?
Tag: xbox
Categories
Riiiiiiiiiiiight.
Interview with Microsoft’s CXO
Yes, CXO – Chief Xbox Officer. A ridiculously long interview done by canada.com with Robbie Bach yields a number of gems. Emphasis is all mine. On the sales in Canada:
> Canada and Australia are our top two markets. Having a good product that fits with the culture here works very well. We could make it profitable today, but this is going to be a long investment business for a while.
So it fits the culture of Canada…okay. On the idea of making a profit:
> We are being smart about bringing the cost of producing the Xbox console down. We can decide to not make it a long investment business and price it to get a better return, but this is a 10, 15 and 20 year investment.
So Microsoft expects to stay in the red for at least 10 YEARS with the Xbox. That’s a great business decision. On handhelds:
> It took Sony eight years to decide to get into the hand-held space and Nintendo is pretty much demonstrating there isn’t any leverage between GameBoy and GameCube.
Right, which explains why the GBA is outselling the GC nearly everywhere. Because Nintendo has no leverage. On Bill Gates’ take:
> He looks at the whole concept and says how do we bring console gaming into the mass market. How do you enable the 90 per cent of women who don’t play games, want to play?
Obviously by making more games like DOAXBV! On the difference in business models between Sony and Microsoft:
> Sony basically is a hardware company that runs on very tight hardware margins with software (games) margins driving business. Microsoft on the other hand is a software driven business.
On the other hand? IT’S THE SAME DAMN HAND.
Boy, I could sure go for some Kool-Aid right now.