Why do you hate America?
No, seriously. There’s no good reason to explain the things I have seen over recent months and continue to see on a daily basis.
For instance, today, I heard a reporter refer to a certain “star” not as “Ash-ton Kutch-er” as we’ve all been forced to hear him referred to over the last two years, but as “Ash-ton Koo-cher”. Listen, if you’re forcing us to become familar with talentless hacks (hint: if you become most famous for having a show on MTV, you’re a hack), don’t change their names in any way. Going from Sean Combs to Sean “Puffy” Combs to Puff Daddy to P. Diddy was enough. Bennifer is certainly cute but it hasn’t caught on. One name per person, please.
Then, while I was waiting inside a K-Mart today, I noticed two movie posters.
One was for Garfield. Yes, Garfield. As in the cat who enjoys Lasagna.
The other was for Beethoven’s 5th. Yes, Beethoven. As in the big slobbery dog.
Hollywood, what the fuck are you thinking? Are you THAT badly out of ideas? What was the pitch session for this like?
“Hey, boss! Great idea here – you remember Beethoven? You remember, the movie with the big slobbery dog? Well, little known to humanity, there have been four movies in the series. LET’S MAKE A FIFTH!”
“And hey, let’s take a cartoon series that no one has given a shit about in years, add a hackneyed plot, and rake in the cash! If Cat In The Hat can top the box office, anything can!”
Seriously, make Coupon The Movie. I will go see the shit out of it any day of the week before I watch this drivel.