R.I.P., VH1

A few years ago, I gave up complete hope on MTV – ridding myself of any desire to watch the channel that had taken the music out of television and replaced it with hell-spawn “reality” shows like Undressed, True Life, Cribs, Sorority Life, and that wonderfully idiotic short lived series about some prom at a high school. Never mind that if a NEW episode of one of these shows was going to debut, the entire weekend before hand was REPEAT CITY. What little was left musically was rap or pop, and was further made irritating by idiot VJs that no one wanted to hear. Faced with all of this, I gladly washed my hands when MTV2 became an option.
And besides, we still had VH1, right? Quirky station that showed a lot of 80s videos, they had that pop up video thing that was fun and educational?
Well, I obviously spoke too soon. First, it got a little too wacky – the weekly top 20 thing with the guy who wanders around NYC. The endless “Behind The Music” shows, which just grew tiring. Countless “100 best” shows, which was oddly similar to what MTV did in the early 90s. Then it started going…elsewhere. Movies That Rock, which had always been dedicate to movies with at least some music value, showed Top Gun every night for a week. Top Gun is enjoyable, and it may rock in some sense, but WHAT THE HELL IS IT DOING ON VH1? This week, they’re running Ferris Bueller’s Day Off – a great movie, but not what I’d consider a great choice for a music station. Now they’re running what looks like reject MTV content – Booty Call? Rock The House? Play’d?
But no, the last straw came this morning while reading Salon, and there was an AP news summary of their hellishly bad awards show (which, thank god, hasn’t aired yet) – and I’m perplexed. Who the fuck gives out awards like:

  • “Shakespeare in Da Hiz-House” (best rapper in a movie)
  • “You Can’t Spell Bald Without Bad” (“most powerful man with the least hair” – or, as I like to call it, best Vin Diesel)
  • “I Believe I Can Spy” (no, not best having sex with teenagers and video taping it – best spy movie)
  • “Play it Again Sam” (best SEQUEL?!)
  • “Do I Look Fat in This Fight” (best WOMAN in a FIGHT SEQUENCE – and when you see who they gave it to, you’ll realize this is pointless since they picked the WORST MOVIE OF THE YEAR)
  • “MacGyver Would Be Proud” (best use of props in a movie – WHY?!)
  • “Go Your Own Way” (celebs who broke from a relationship – including FICTIONAL STORY LINES, people FIGHTING ABOUT MONEY, and DIVORCES! “Hey, Billy Bob Thornton, great divorce – here’s an award!”)
  • “‘NSYNC Graduation Day” (best new career move – AND THE NOMINEES ARE ALL THE MEMBERS OF N’SYNC. Kill me, please.)
  • “Elizabeth Hurley” (best vomit scene)

There are so many stupid categories, it takes not one, not two, but three promotional pages to list all these masturbatory awards. The show, thank god, won’t air until the 15th – avoid it like the black death. But I’m sure VH1 will again follow in MTV’s footsteps and repeat it for 237894 straight hours.
So it’s with this final stroke of genius marketing that I give VH1 the boot and move on to greener pastures. Because, just like MTV, VH1 has a sister station (VH1 Classic) that, surprise, concentrates on MUSIC.