The Wetnap Conspiracy

Like many of you, I enjoy dining at various restaurants. Often at these restaurants, a small container of “wet naps” – the small foil sealed alcohol-soaked napkins which displace the need to go wash your hands – will be on the table.
Recently, while I was sitting in not one but two of my favorite eatories (Boatyard and Billy Bob Jacks), I noticed an eye-catching wetnap design from the Kari-Out Company. Why did it catch my eye? The front appeared to have an American flag on it – but in fact, there were only 14 stars and 11 stripes.
Confused and slightly concerned (as all good patriots are), I turned the Wetnap over and recoiled in horror when I read the back (emphasis mine):

Kari-Out will donate a protion of the proceeds from the sale of this Fresh Nap to charities for the attack on America.

That’s right, friends – they’re giving the money from the sale of these small convenience items to charities FOR the attack on America. Truly, there is another terrorist threat approaching rapidly, and it is being funded by these heathens from Tarrytown, New York. And it should come as no surprise, as “Kari-Out” is a Muslim term meaning “asshat Americans”.
Fellow patriots and lovers of sizzling steaks and creamy cakes, I ask you to keep your eyes peeled for these insidious devices of terrorism. In fact, they themselves may be the terrorist threat – who knows what is actually contained in the solvent used to “cleanse” our hands and face. Saddam’s weapons of mass destruction may have been rapidly integrated into our supply of wetnaps, and we may be scrubbing our faces with DEATH!
Abolish Wetnaps. It’s the American thing to do!