Earlier this evening, I was listening to Jared’s dinner exploits of a chicken patty and fish sticks. Then he was going to go brush his teeth.
<Remy> Mmm, brushing your teeth after eating fish sticks. <Remy> That's the sort of mental picture that makes me want to vomit.
But lo, Jared’s awesome cooking powers are no match for the stomach-churning power of…WEGMANS’ PIZZA BAR.
To those not from upstate NY, Wegmans is essentially the #1 grocery store chain in the area. And with good reason – they are fucking awesome. Like, you wouldn’t expect someone to describe a grocery store as “fucking awesome” unless they were joking. I am not taking a piss – most people from out of state can’t believe how good Wegmans is. It is, essentially, fucking awesome.
Now, normally, I like Wegmans cafe food. Chinese is good. Subs are good. Pizza is good. But tonight, I saw an ad for CALZONE COMBO. One calzone, one thing of sauce, medium drink – for 50 cents less than the usual calzone price. Naturally, one would think “This is a good deal!”
There were two types of Calzones. One was Spinach Feta, and the other was “Wegman’s Deluxe”. One would think a warning flag would go up when there was no mention of what is IN a deluxe, so I ask.
“What’s in the deluxe?”
“Meat, thousand island dressing, american cheese, onions, and pickles, I think.”
By this point, Katie’s dinner break is almost halfway elapsed, so I say “Sure” and watch the calzone progress through the little “heat food up quick” pizza oven. I grab my drink, sit down, and begin to eat.
At first, it was sort of tasty. Mostly meat and cheese.
Then I hit the full assault of the thousand island dressing. Still, it didn’t make things overly unpleasant.
Then the little slivers of onions come in. Still…okay, I guess.
Then I hit a pickle.
It was right around this point Katie said, “So that’s essentially a Big Mac, only without the lettuce?”
By the time we got to the parking lot, I seriously wanted to be rid my body of this. Sadly, my gag reflex isn’t enough to make me vomit in the Wegmans parking lot. Somehow, I still haven’t thrown up now 30 minutes after ingestion; perhaps this is my body’s way of going “YOU SON OF A BITCH DON’T YOU EVER DO THIS TO US AGAIN NOW YOU LIVE WITH THE CONSEQUENCES”.