24: The Most Ludicrous 60 Minutes On Television

IF YOU'RE READING THIS AND YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THESE WEEK'S EPISODE OF 24, SKIP IT UNLESS YOU WANT SPOILERS

So I just got finished watching what I was promised to be the MOST SHOCKING EPISODE OF 24 EVER. Let's disregard the fact that it was easy enough to call the SHOCKING TWIST three episodes ago. I'd rather focus on what is now the chain of terrorist events for the entire season.

• The season started with them knocking over a train and killing a guy to get a suitcase with the McGuffin. God forbid they just kill the ONE GUY, let's knock over the whole fucking train.
• The terrorists then kidnap the Secretary of Defense and his daughter. With a god damn ROCKET LAUNCHER.
• The kidnapping is justified as a trial and potential execution of the Secretary Of Defense.
• The execution a front to do a webcast that'll generate a lot of internet traffic. HOW EVIL.
• They need the internet traffic so that they can somehow break through the firewalls of nuclear reactors worldwide. Because EVERY FUCKING NUCLEAR REACTOR IN THE US IS HOOKED UP TO THE INTERNET SOMEHOW.
• They then use the McGuffin to start the reactors melting down.
• CTU manages to stop the meltdown for most of the reactors, but this is irrelevant because the meltdowns were merely an excuse to keep the president in the air, I guess.
• They use the new mystery character to steal a GOD DAMN STEALTH BOMBER. This is apparently EASY AS SHIT.
• If you can't figure out by now where the show is telegraphing the shocking twist to be - given the languid shots of Air Force One in the air, and the GOD DAMN STEALTH BOMBER in the air - I don't know what to tell you. Other than that he FIRES A FUCKING MISSILE AT AIR FORCE ONE and it apparently HITS AN ESCORT PLANE AND DAMAGES AIR FORCE ONE.

You would think that would be it, wouldn't you? After at least four separate terrorist actions (train derailing, kidnapping and planned televised execution of government official, nuclear reactor meltdown, hijacking a GOD DAMN STEALTH BOMBER to shoot down Air Force One), at least one of these goals would have satisfied the terrorists, right?

WRONG. Watch the preview for next week! They just wanted the GOD DAMN NUCLEAR FOOTBALL. Probably so they can launch nukes. As a diversion! So they send a Terminator into the past so they can kill Jack Bauer's mother!

If this main plot thread wasn't bad enough, look at all the other ridiculous plot points that we've gone through in sixteen episodes:

• Jack hijacks a convenience store, for absolutely no good reason!
• Erin Driscol's CARAAAAAAAAAZY DAUGHTER who kills herself for no discernible reason - except maybe to protest the inept staff at CTU who let her get away with it!
• McGuffin Industries detonates an EMP! No one prosecutes!
• Chloe gets fired despite being right about what she got fired for, and later rehired, for no good reason other than that everyone keeps getting fired.
• Edgar's mom dies because it's CONVENIENT TO MAKE THE GUY SAVING THE REACTORS HAVE AN EMOTIONAL CRISIS.
• Aisha Taylor is THE MOLE. Because for some reason, every year CTU gets compromised by someone who's working for the enemy.
• Behrooz's girlfriend gets whacked.
• Hell, the entire TerrorFamily thread ended up being SO WORTHLESS. They all died. They all did very little other than scream at each other.
• A team of mercenaries is sent in to take out Jack, Paul, and two FINE UPSTANDING MINORITIES. Team Bauer wins!
• They torture Heller's son. This turns out to be worthless. AWESOME.
• Jack and Tony track down the evil guy about to get on the helicopter when...HE'S SHOT BY A SNIPER. I think there's one sniper that follows every evil character around and waits for the moment they get captured so they can take the standard 24 bullet-to-the-head.

Hey, maybe Fox can cancel the best show on television and hit a magnificent double - ruining two shows in one season!