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Dean Kamen Loses Grip On Sanity

Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while will remember my initial impressions of the Segway sounding a lot like this: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”. You remember the Segway, don’t you? The device that was hyped for 2 years as being “bigger than the internet“, and was code named “It” and/or “Ginger”? And then, after all the hype, it was finally unveiled with a big press blitz to be…a scooter.
“Oh, but Dan, it’s a really COOL scooter, that can go 10 MPHs and go over any surface!” – right, especially here in Ithaca, where ice/snow/horrid weather tends to be the normal operating procedure. Never mind the hills. Never mind the fact that the range on these things is only about 20 miles, as I recall. Oh and hey, if it goes 10 MPH, that means I can get to Barnes & Noble in half an hour, if I don’t get nailed while on Route 13 by some soccer mom in an SUV.
But I digress.
Doing my standard boing boing browse this morning, I discovered an article detailing Dean Kamen’s latest efforts with the Segway. As you may recall, part of the pitch for these $5000 “revolutionary” devices (Internet law requires I now add “available exclusively at amazon.com, begins shipping in March!”) was for government workers – mainly postal carriers. Dean has decided to go one crazy step forward and now pitch the Segway at the military.
He said the Special Forces have tested Segways to transport the “infantry soldier of the future.” Toohey said the Segway can traverse almost any terrain — including desert sands — and travel over land mines without detonating them.
Picture this. You’re at war, holed up in a bunker in the desert, awaiting enemy forces. The heat is extreme, making your forehead feel like liquid. You haven’t been in high spirits since you kissed your spouse goodbye two months ago. And then, suddenly, over the horizon, you see…soldiers riding scooters.
Quick quiz: If a battalion ever DID ride on Segways, and they DID win a battle, what would be the primary contributing factor?
A) The Segway’s top speed of 10 miles per hour.
B) The ability to effortlessly travel over any terrain.
C) The ability to zip over land mines without setting them off.
D) The instant crippling laughter that will debilitate enemy forces seeing you.
Why not dress up as clowns? Hell, hire the killer klowns from outer space. If we don’t, the terrorists have already won.