Slowly Learning...

Let me start off by saying that I have not read the book, so I’m not going to make one of those “book vs. movie” comparisons. Also let me restate that I have issues (not really sure why) with Tom Hanks, and I also find Ron Howard to be overrated. Yes, he’s good on Arrested Development and was cute as Opie, but let’s look at his directorial roles: Cinderella Man, The Missing, A Beautiful Mind, Apollo 13, Ed TV, How the Grinch Stole Christmas…yes some are good, but most are overrated (and at least one is downright terrible). But I can look past those things. I mean, at least this blockbuster didn’t have Tom Cruise.

So despite those issues, and the fact that the movie has been pretty much panned all around I went out to see it anyway. I mean I had nothing better to do, and Ebert liked it, so maybe it did have a chance to be decent after all. And in the end it wasn’t as bad as it could have been, but also wasn’t all that fantastic. As much as I hate to admit it, Jack Garner was about right in giving it a 7. Although that is still a little bit high in my book.

I must warn those of you out there that the rest of this write-up will be littered with spoilers, so if you don’t want to know these things then skip to the rating at the end. For the rest of you…

The Good:
-The French people actually talk to each other in French! (With subtitles of course for the non-French speaking population, i.e. Americans) It is always a pet peeve of mine when movies set in foreign lands are done totally in English, like that’s how they conduct day to day business.

-It has a nice cast. If you over look Hanks (or if you actually like him you can include him), it has French talents Audrey Tautou and Jean Reno, Ian McKellen, and Paul Bettany. And they all do tend to do a very solid job.

-And most importantly it upsets the stupid people in the world. Yup, we have complaints from Christians and Albinos about this one! For the Albinos, shut it! So what if the “villain” is an Albino. Just be happy that you’re being shown in movies. And to you Christians who have problems with it, calm the hell down. It’s a movie. It’s not real.

And as a side note I’d like to mention my problem with the main idea behind the “Holy Grail” thing. What difference does it make if Jesus had kids? How would this make him not the son of God? I mean if he is the son of God, then that means that God had a son, so why can’t Jesus have some children as well?

The Bad:
-While it has some nice conspiracy theories to it, it wasn’t all that surprised by anything that transpired over the course of the story. This is supposed to be a thriller with twists and turns, and there are some, but I saw them all coming. Maybe I’ve just seen too many movies like this, or maybe I’m just too smart (ha), but that was kind of a letdown. As soon as the idea of descendants of Jesus was mentioned I knew Audrey was going to the one, and not only that but the last one (wouldn’t be nearly enough of a shock if there were more than one now!). I knew the grail wasn’t going to be a cup either (too obvious), and although it took me slightly longer I knew that McKellen was the teacher. And last but not least it came as no surprise at all that Hanks did get the map and they found Mary’s tomb. Why do all Hollywood movies have to end up wrapped up nicely at the end? Would it kill them to actually leave a little something hanging at the end, like they don’t find any of that and just end? I know the audiences would complain, but that would be the ultimate Hollywood twist: not settling everything at the end!

-Theories are nice, but sometimes the connections made were a bit of a stretch. Hanks can work out 30 letter anagrams in 30 seconds? A dead man had the time to think all these anagrams through and work out an out of order Fibonacci sequence and leave all these messages while he is bleeding to death (and why would you shoot him in the gut anyway? Go for the head you stupid Albino!

-Alfred Molina as a Bishop? Doesn’t work at all for me. He was good as Doc Ock, and he was good as…ok, that was it. And he wasn’t good in this. He’s too young and brash and just didn’t work with what I’m used to. I grew up Catholic. Everyone in charge there is old and outdated. That’s why they’re always behind the times. Oh, and I looked it up, and he was also good in Maverick, and in his five second role at the beginning of Raiders of the Lost Ark. But that’s it.

-Parts of the story seemed pointless, not worked out enough, or just stupid. I know a lot of this has to do with cutting a book down to two hours, but I still won’t accept that excuse. If you can’t make it work by trying to squeeze it all in then just leave it out, or rewrite the story.

RATING: Worth a matinee ticket (or cheaper), worth a rental.