Slowly Learning...

So I'm not sure exactly where the urge to write this came from (maybe it's my leaving, maybe the recognition of someone on the street, maybe a complete whim), but I've been thinking about the past and my relationships a lot recently. Perhaps this could be because I've seen all three of my ex-girlfriends withint the past week, but the one that I've really been thinking about is a girl that I never even dated. It wasn't for lack of desire or effort (ok, maybe from lack of effort), I just got flat rejected. But still, she sticks in my mind.

Back when I transfered into Cortland I signed up for Intro to Photo (despite the fact that I had already basically taken the course at TCCC), and that is where I met her. On the first day of class, being a single guy and all, I naturally checked out the females in the class. There were a couple that were very attractive (bound to happen in an artistic course), and another couple borderline ones, but this girl just caught my eye. She had beautiful red hair (I've always had a thing for red hair) with two black streaks down the front. She also wore a jean jacket and skirt (always another plus), and when she put on her cute glasses, well that was it. I could tell she was fantastic. I don't really believe in love at first sight because so much is dependant on personality, but how could someone like that not have a awsome personality? I can quite honestly say that that experience was the closest that I've ever come to that feeling. I soon came to realize that I was right too. She had an amazing personality to match her appearance.

I really get to talk to her at all at the start, until one day in the darkroom. The whole class was doing work, and her and I were waiting to develop our rolls of film when out of nowhere she just started talking to me an asking me questions. Real questions too, not the standard "Hey, how you doing? I'm so-and-so, what's your name? What major are you?" and so on. These were more personal questions. About who I really was, and who she really was. I learned that she was a musical theater major, and even that didn't change my opinion of her. I grew more and more enamored with her.

Even fate seemed to step in about a two weeks into class, when we both arrived late (which we didn't realize at the time) and the whole class had gone to the conference room to critique each others work. Apparently there was a note on the board, but neither of us noticed it. Instead we sat there talking and joking with each other until she decided that we'd waited long enough. She got up and said she was going to get coffee and a bagel, and then as she picked up her bag to go she looked at me and said, "Come on. You're coming with me." I had no problems with that, and even if I did I doubt she would have taken no for an answer. So like that we left and went across the quad for coffee and bagels. She then proceeded to drag me along to all the other places she had to go that morning, and I tagged along, thinking how great it was to be hanging out with her like that.

We kept on with our friendship in class and around campus, and I learned even more about her. The more I heard, the more I liked her. Even her faults made her seem even better in my eyes. I'd hang around the darkroom just to chat with her while she worked, even if I didn't have anything of my own to do. She was, and is still is, the only woman to make me feel like stammering idiot. I may not be sauve and overly articulate, but generally I can hold my own. Not around her though. I like to think of myself as witty as well, but she had such a sharp mind and wit that I felt like I could never keep up with her. I remember one occasion where we were walking together in the rain and I mentioned how I loved the rain, and how it made me happy, and she asked if I were Shirley Manson. Normally I would have been able to come up with some cute, witty response like "yeah, except without the melodic voice", but instead I sputtered and stammered something about being happy when it was sunny too. To this day I still can't listen to Garbage without thinking about that moment, and what an idiot I must have looked like.

After a short while I made my bumbling attempt to ask her out on a date, and naturally I was turned down. Much like any other time around her, I felt nervous and idiotic, and came off poorly. Our friendship didn't seem to change too much, at least not until she was forced to withdraw from the class due to her being overworked and overstressed from an excessive course load. I still ran into her from time to time around campus, but not nearly as often. She had given me her phone number, and said we should hang out together sometime, but I never got up the courage to really do anything about that. I've always been bad on the phone (something I've just now started to overcome), and I knew that based on how things went in person it would be just that much worse for me on the phone.

Towards the end of the semester I ran into her once more and we got to hang out and wander the campus (her leading the way, me the little puppy following behind). We talked of staying in touch and I gave her my email and new phone number (she had been planning to transfer in the Fall, and it finally all had come through). Exchanging AIM screen names had been mentioned, and had it been any other girl I probably would have been able to swing that. But as it stood I bumbled my way through another conversation and missed the opportunity. After that the only contact I had with her was the one call I finally managed to make over the summer. I got her voicemail, left her an idiotic message, and never heard back from her. I don't blame her for not calling me back. How could I? Just about every time I was given the opportunity to be witty or clever I fell on my face.

It may seem that I've put her up on a pedestal, and maybe I have. In my mind she's a standard that I'm sure not even she could live up to. And I know that I probably wasn't as much of a stammering fool as I imagine. But I also know that at that time and place she was great, and to me she was one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen. She was so unique and special. Truely one of a kind. She was one of those people who let me forget about everything else and just made me feel happy, even when I felt like a fool around her.

I have almost no regrets in my life. I believe that everything that has happened happened for a reason and without it I wouldn't be where I am today, be that good or bad. But one thing that I do regret is not having a better chance with her. I wish I could have been my typical, charming, lovable self rather than the stammering, bumbling idiot that I imagine I was. But in the end I guess this is just another one of those experiences that gives me character and had made me into who I am. So for that, thank you Ashley, whereever you are.