On a test, you always want to be accumlating the greatest rate of points per unit time.
-Prof. Tomas Arias, Physics 214 Section

Introduce variables! English sentences usually do not have them.
I promise there will be typos every lecture.
[Counting] is going to be a very difficult lecture, so I invite you to concentrate.
You're right, but I'm right too.
[from lecture notes] Looking for something it may be wise just to get rid of all bad things. When done, good things and only them are the ones left.
-Prof. Sergei Artemov, Computer Science 280 & 381

That's why I love chocolate...because I'm not getting any.
[to Ben] Have some self respect, you stupid Brit.
-Sabiha Barot

Are you an American? Are you as man? Sue him!
-Eli Barzilay

Why am I doing this? For the cash? For the pussy? For the sweet, sweet pussy-cash?
I only saw "Frida" because I was high at the time and thought I was going to a movie called "Frito".
-Doug Benson

I used to think of myself as cultured, until I started working at Freeverse Software!
-Ann Binlot

Jesse Ventura getting elected shows that the people of Minnesota aren't social drinkers, they're fucking alcoholics.
-Lewis Black

There's a big difference between these two graphs - besides that they're graphing different things.
-Mark Bronnimann

I don't mind making people equal...as long as they deserve it.
-Adam Cardina

Why would you want to be fucked with a turntable up your ass? That's no aphrodisiac.
-Herbie Castro

The implication is that you are laziest person on this list, which I could easily disprove if I had the energy.
-Maciej Ceglowki

Why are all the good clothes for women?
-Walter Chang

Sleep is good, even if it is against a college student's principles.
-Hubert Chao

Just because you've been doing pushups doesn't mean you can fart all over me.
-Phoebe Cohen

[to Tom] Bring back a handful of water in your mouth.
[after being told he was Token Minority Of The Night] You mean I'm like the Designated Chink?
If you don't know when to laugh, it's not funny...shit, that's a quotefile.
We should ambush Campus Tours and be like, 'Surprise! Cocksucking!'
You can tell it's a male spider because it has eight legs.
Can you do that thing with the thing and the thing?
Wanna make a bet? I need some money.
I got Lucky today...well, my Mom got me Lucky...I had sex with my mom, you see.
They should make beer concentrate.
305 years...wow, that's almost like, a long time.
It doesn't smell like sweat, it smells like concentrated Japanese sweat. There's a difference.
[looking into a living room] Whoa, there's a living room in here!
Gil, did you know your dad was that funny?
-David Cross (the Cornell one)

I know what it's like to be a college student. I majored in Starvation.
-Chuck D

You should get like an air hydrator.
I can't stand not having something in my mouth.
Off learning, be back when my brian is full
[to me] I had no idea your life was so interesting!
This is the epitome of ghettosity!
I get better dick than you.
You should get one of those end-of-the-shelf thingies.
It's not un-normal for girls to like, stalk guys.
You know how much I like to make dick licking noises.
I'm doing that whole hand-up-your-ass thing again.
I dislike rain. It's wet.
Fruit Roll-Ups have no nutritional value. They're like cucumbers...only they're not.
I should become an alcoholic. That would solve a lot of my problems.
I choke on beverages more than I choke on food because I'm retarded.
By funny, I mean 'Ha ha let's go jump off a bridge' funny.
I'm very fond of food. I'm a big eater.
[whining] Why do I have to put clothes on?!
Screwing with your keys on is rather difficult.
Yeah, I need a wife.
-Gillian Daniel Sarmir

If lists are small, computers are fast.
I will survive this lecture by the graces of the Pfizer corporation.
-Prof. Alan Demers, Computer Science 410

I personally don't care for Linux -- it's DOS all over again.
-Graeme Devine

Won't you vagina my neighbor?
-Allen Dias

Y is pretty far from H on the keyboard.
I don't want to make too many chomping noises.
Austin 3:16 says it's 3:16 AM and I'm real fucking tired.
S-T-O-P spells no.
You broke my butt-bone.
Shut your quotehole.
Aaah...It's like an orgasm in my mouth!
He was willing to trade goods and services for having his goods serviced. -Dan Dickinson

Dad shh'd me because I couldn't hear the sexiness.
-Ellen Dickinson

Going down isn't the hard part.
I put a scrunchie on your monkey!
Why can't we celebrate Christmas without involving that whole Jesus thing?
If there's anyone who would be good in the sack, it's Richard Dawson.
I will give you any sexual favors you want, just don't remix Mary Fucking Poppins!
Nothing says lovin' like primpin' in the crypt.
If you really loved me, you'll eat my vomit.
I want emulators so I can play Pokemon and Poker Ladies.
I love you so much, it hurts...like a yeast infection.
And if you ever do, I will hit you so hard you will feel blood in the back of your ass.
If I was a planetarium, you would be my show.
The universe is full of stuff - like rainbows, and shit, and you, and crap.
My phone was making me vibrate in a very weird place.
I like Fudgey the Whale...Cookiepuss? I love Cookiepussy!
Funeral homes are funny!
I'm sorry, I got roped into trying on $500 coats.
Most of the buildings around here are four feet tall.
My fingers smell like my old boyfriend!
Let me get this straight, you make fun of me for having a few bites of pot pie for breakfast, and you're going to have a Wonka bar? Give me a piece.
When I'm about to be run over, I don't have time to be polite. I just have time to go "Move, please."
"Hallal" means "good shit".
-Katie Dickinson

Curly-quotes are the bane of my blogging existence, like a never-ending supply of pubes caught between my blog-teeth.
-Cory Doctorow, Boing Boing

It's like the difference between being tickled and laughing, and being tickled and throwing up.
Is this like when you like someone so much, you'll drink their sleeping bag water?
-Justine Dougherty, English 281.5

Let's do this in red, blue, and yellow - but I'll just use black.
-Tony Faradjian, CS280

I think living in EddyGate with all those Asians would be fun...it'd be like living in Hong Kong.
I hear we're going to get plastic tins.
See, Vietnamese are different because they have two names each...much like Americans.
I think it'd be fun to tickle [Prof. Rosakis] to death.
What sort of an operating system uses 'cooperative multitasking'? Real operating systems use Nazi multitasking.
I'm not used to looking at you fully erect.
He's off giving your mother a blowjob.
I have overdraft protection on my W-Up account from the Bank of W-Up. Just think of it as a low-interest W-Up loan.
I think this class would be more interesting if I covered my ears so I'd have to strain to hear him.
Are those counterfeit index cards?
OOOOOH! Voltage-controlled crystal oscillators! I'm osscillating just thinking about them!
This hunger must be a sign that I need food.
Well, I'm going up to North Campus, so I'll drop you off at I.C. on the way.
Emily's shirt is auto-seductive, it unbuttons itself.
Sometimes it's fun to open up, put it inside, and just fire it into your mouth. You should try it.
It's amazing how Gil's flatwear is a family of amputees.
You should plug in two mice, then you can have two mouse buttons.
Aaron Carter has a big dick for a 12 year old.
There's nothing wrong with a little pedophilia every now and then.
I want some Viagra.
I'm only drinking internet-enabled beverages.
What, you think paper grows on trees?
Put it in my mouth and I'll show you how it's done.
-David Friedland

Yesterday, I killed the shit out of one of them.
-Meredith Garrett

Isn't it common practice for people to pee on themselves?
I wish I had Physics tomorrow so I could skip it.
-Neil Gandhi

I wish there was a snappy internet abbreviation for "Laughing Out Loud," since that is what I am doing.
-"Party" Ben Gill

I recommend that you don't [comment your code]. That way my evil graders can deduct 50% from your grade.
-Prof. Neal Glew, CS314

I am an enigma wrapped in a cipher that's smothered in secret sauce.
-Gerrit Goossen

Between now and the next exam, I'm going to slip subliminal slides into the lecture slides. They won't be available on the web, and you won't even know they're there. And on the next exam, you'll get credit for answering questions about these subliminal slides...who objects to pornography?
A picture is worth 1024 words
-"Uncle" Donald Greenberg, CS 417

Of course Rollerblades have sex! How else would we get more Rollerblades?
My copies of Playboy come in Braille.
Quiet, Pikachu! We're playing cards!
Are Kayuga's Waiters going to be at Kayuga tonight?
The bumps on the front of the GameCube are for people who speak Braille
Mandy Moore playing a homely girl is like Britney Spears playing a virgin.
It's like the the rest of the house puked on the fridge!
Don't take offense at this - not that you'd take offense, since it's your sister...
-Thom Heidt

[while the crowd chants "SLUT" at Stephanie McMahon] And by the way, they're not chanting "SLUT" - they're chanting "STEPHANIE".
-Paul Heyman

Let me take off my pants and show you. It's really big.
-Ingrid Hung

The only water I drink comes from the supermarket. And it's usually laced with hops.
Trying to start a feud with the state of Kansas is like challenging a paraplegic to a kick-boxing match.
I think non sequiturs can be pretty funny. But that's because I eat a lot of peanut butter.
You can only work so many hours a day and two's my limit.
-Mike Jasper

The difference between tits, boobs, and breasts are - they're tits when I'm fucking, they're boobs when I'm having sex, and they're breasts when I'm making love.
I'm not dunk!
Today I'm just pretending to be a girl.
Twin Peaks? Is this about her boobs?
-Nidhi Kalra

Then I remembered: I don't need fun to have alcohol.
-Ben Karlin

I have no idea what I want, but I want it now.
-Paul Kehrer

What's with the fappable Jen pic on FV.com?
-Scott Kevill

Suck of all sucks!
Mmmm...I really want to eat beaver.
Come over here and buy my nuts.
-Emily Kishel

Win98 is annoying. It's what's inside everyone's computers, and once you've grown used to hitting yourself over the head with a shovel, the minor differences are a pain.
-Aleksey Kliger

Let's stop saying 'Don't quote me' because if no one quotes you, you probably haven't said a thing worth saying.
-Sascha Konietzko

[in response to What was he before he transfered here?] An Asian, I think.
Dan, I couldn't find your site on your web page.
They should put my ass on the cover of the Land's End catalog.
Friedland, you should name a country after yourself. You could call it Friedland.
Captain Falcon isn't as hot as Chun Li.
My Dad has a penis. He pees with it.
Shitting constipates you.
The thing about Friendly's is that sometimes they're too damn friendly.
-Ben Land

Your T.A. should have told you when before Thursday is.
Energy is what allows things to do things.
-Prof. Peter Lepage, Physics 213

[at 10PM] Wait a minute...wait a minute...[brightly] I haven't peed since 1 PM!
-Amy Liu

I suspect that children will eventually support some kind of thin-client email-to-affection gateway. From an evolutionary standpoint, it may be the only solution that scales.
-Merlin Mann

I'm not coming unless Tom's dinner.
The female species likes to do that sort of thing (laundry)...that makes beastiality ok.
What's the difference between Solaris Nazis and Jewish Nazis?
Yeah, I'll go to Diwali...and pick up an Indian chick...and play with the hair...on her arms.
The chimes always play Oh Christmas Tree...this is just a remix.
I leave my monitor on all the time...except I turn it off when I leave.
I seem to have misplaced my sight.
I guess I better read up in my Cum Journals.
We're on an 'I don't need to know' basis.
I can't squirt any liquid out because it's frozen.
The paper comes daily, except on the weekend, when it's annual.
My testicles are asleep!
Does the game have Lion Beach instead of Tiger Woods?
You sleep with an Asian accent.
How could you be allergic to grass and not allergic to grass?
I'm annoying in a cute way.
Hey, I grew up with electricity!
You can't spell 'dance' without Dan!
Cows are scarier than horses because they have four stomachs.
-Neil Marcus

I was on this street, and I saw this guy protesting genetic engineering, and I was staring at his sign and reading it, and the guy looks at me and he goes - 'Society's got a long way to go.' And I said, "I know. I'M FROM THE FUTURE!"
-Eugene Mirman

Sometimes I like to look out into the audience through my near-sighted eyes and imagine that everyone is naked fucking the shit out of each other.
-Moby

Great self-delusions of our time: "the check's in the post", "I won't come in your mouth" and "marketing expenses will remain constant".
-John Saul Montoya

The need to be observed and understood was once satisfied by God. Now we can implement the same functionality with data-mining algorithms.
-Morpheus, Deus Ex

It's real easy to screw yourself right in assembly code.
Writing X code is like building skyscrapers with legos.
-Prof. Greg Morrisett - CS212, CS314, and elsewhere

Why don't you want to raise your hands? This is America. It's a free country.
Don't do this at home - do this in the lab instead.
If you do a little better, you're going to do a lot better.
-Daniel Mosse, CS414

But that's japan money. It's not based on reality.
I'm going to embrace and extend Hello World.
-Neko, 8BOP

Ven, dont you find it sad that you have no life and spend all your time lying about politics and making up reasons for why you can't understand people more intelligent than yourself?
-Orborborb, 8BOP

I am reflexively in favor of anything Dave Winer is against.
-Mark Pilgrim

I wrapped my pickle in a napkin because it was squirting on me.
-Marcy Patrick

[after trying to get a section of the class to sing a bass line] Okay! That was...terrible.
-Steven Pond, Music 101

I was the DJ AGOP of not going poop.
-Jared Rea

If there is one dead vector in the bag, it kills the whole bag.
The determinant is called the determinant because it determines something.
Oranges are not vectors because you cannot add oranges and you cannot multiply them by a scalar.
Let's do an instance of things that are fucked up...[class laughs] Did I say something?
Never teach in a black shirt, unless you use black chalk.
If you are a real pervert, you can choose two different bases for the same space.
There are infinitely many of them to do, but they are easy to do so we can do them in finite time.
-Prof. Pheobus Rosakis, Math 294

You know, if you're going to get infected, it should at least be from a hooker or something. That way you at least got some pleasure out of it.
-John Ruffing

Ben, I was high on life, and now I'm not. You're a fucking downer.
They should have a Battle Hot Lunch on Iron Chef.
-Emily Russell

[at a Jewish Wedding] Molotov!
-Josh Sarmir

I hold people to a higher level of discourse by SCREAMING AT THEM.
-Joshua Schachter

White russian night at prelim 2 - and we're not talking about Danny [Falkov]!
The CS assignment took Walter and I four hours - had we been drunk, we would've been done in two.
-Emmanuel Schanzer

You know, John, I'm very interested in my #2 hole.
-Willy Schley

I used to love games until I found it was easier to tilt the world.
-Doc Searls

Log base 0 should give you a bit of a pause - but you'll get over it.
-Prof. Bart Selman, CS472

This isn't science, but it's important.
We will ignore gravity, except when we don't.
How many of you have a nice round bottom?
Quantum mechanics only matters for very light guys over very short distances.
-Prof. Jim Sethna, Physics 214

Huh, lemon sharks can give birth to up to 36 babies at one time...I didn't even know they made lemon sharks!
-Jim Shelton

He sucks dick for cock.
I have a lot of faith in gravity.
-Brett Slatkin

Have I called you a bastard today?
Freeverse invites you to blow a monkey.
You find a hairy niche, you stick with it!
-Colin Lynch Smith

Let's just say the Meat Portal idea isn't really part of our core business.
Oh no! The Tunnel Of Mystery leads to chlamydia!
We'll print out a little booklet, we'll be like the Germans during World War 2!
-Ian Lynch Smith

If profanity bothers you, get out of this class.
While I don't have any video of a combinatorial explosion...how about a video of a combine explosion?
-Michael Spivey, CogS 101

Then again, I'm the kind of guy who stopped eating meat for six months - not because of some kind of animal-cruelty protestation or because a doctor told me I wasn't allowed to, but because of a secret fear that the government was selling us meat made from humans. And the worst of it is that I wasn't so worried about eating human meat - my problem was the fact that the price was so high.
-Stan, 8BOP

Sometimes I love being a bitch.
You can't do anything about the FOO sticker. It's just like, FOO!, and you're just like, aww FUCK!
I guess I should get some pants on.
Actually, I find the sound of chip crunching sort of soothing.
How did he survive my ass?
I'm like the Boot Fairy, or the Ass Fairy. I float around, left and right, giving my ass to children deserving.
68040 isn't powerpc?
The Linux kernel is a lot more proprietary in its openness.
That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I'm surprised Cornell doesn't do that.
[in reference to a kid taking 60 credits one semester] That kid is never going to have sex at college with a schedule like that.
-David Steinberg

Minus signs are a lot of fun.
-Prof. Mike Stillman, Math 293

There's no rule, law or ordinance which can't be bent in some way to make someone look right. I get sick of that moral relativism. Then again, after weighing all the various facts and points of view, I can really only surmise on one sound and unshakeable conclusion: I like tits.
If we keep this up WE MIGHT POSSIBLE PUT A SCRATCH IN THE ENORMOUS BONER IMG SHOVES UP OUR ANUS EVERY DAY!
Well, it's no photo of an infected vagina, but kinda cute all the same.
-Corey Tamas

You have to watch the Super Bowl for the commercials. It's like reading Playboy for the articles!
-"CS" Tom Tan

But that wouldn't be very cool. Your coolness is important to us.
-Vinay Varughese

Where did everybody go? Just because it's the middle of the night doesn't mean we have to stop posting...
Emmanuel, you are completely and totally sick - I bow down before you.
So, err, I just went to type '*hug*' in an email (for obvious reasons), and missed. I got '&hug' before I noticed, and thought--hey, that makes sense, I'm sending a pointer to a hug.
-Jeff Vinocur

[at the Korean Pride Festival] It's like Chinatown...only not.
Do you want to see the stupidest feature of my pants?
Wow, a huge thing of those thingies.
Instead of paying $2 and riding the subway, why don't you buy yourself a hot dog and shut the fuck up?
-Jenn Vitale

That, as you might have noticed, is the letter S.
This course is not about preventing blunders. Here, we prevent them by not making them.
You'll notice we're about two lectures behind in the syllabus, but that's okay - I'll just talk faster the rest of the semester.
-Steven Vivasis, CS 222

I cant wait till that Otto Matic piece of shit sucks and Apple says its awesome and includes them on the new jizz flavored imacs motherfuckers!!!!
-Chris Wang-Iverson

Grab a Kleenex from the nightstand, boys. We just fucked ourselves.
-Jason Whong

It's unfortunate that it's so unusual in the weblog world for people to get some facts before having strong often personal opinions.
-Dave Winer

I didn't know back fat was in this year.
-Christine Witkowski

I just sneezed. What sets this apart from most other sneezes is that blood sprayed out from my nose and all over my legs.
-Billy Yi

If you go to a city with hundreds of cars every 5 miles, then an H+ looking for a partner will find one.
-Prof. David Zax, Chemistry 211

Dialogues

Friedland: [laying down] Look at me, I'm a plane!
Ben: You won't be once we arouse you!
Friedland: No, then you'll just be calculating the normal to my plane.
Ben: [laughing] Yeah, right.
Friedland: We'd have to use the right-hand rule for that one!

Neil: Get out of my room, I have to fucking clean!
Cross: You sound like Friedland.

Emily K: So, Ben, are you the eldest in your family?
Ben: Yeah.
Steinberg: By 'eldest' you mean 'wackiest'.
Me: And 'oldest'.

Friedland: You're all welcome to a cookie from my mother.
Steinberg: I've already shot my load all over that one.

Ben: But really, shit is quite flamable.
Me: Ben, I think you've got a thesis right there.
Ben: Oh, yeah. Mr. Smith, forget about the bees - I want to do a research paper about the thermodynamics of shit.
Cross: You could call it your fecis.

Cross: This hill reminds me of Japan.
Neil: They have hills in Japan?
Cross: Yes.

Cross: [in reference to Moby tickets] Maybe after my prelim on Tuesday, I should just camp out.
Me: [oblivious] What, out by the quad damage?

Ben: Still Water doesn't exist.
Neil: Yeah, but they're still a good band.

[Friedland's cell phone, which is in his pants, dials his apartment by mistake. Tom answers.]
Tom:Hello? Hello?
Emily: Friedland, your pants are talking!
Friedland: Now you know what I mean when I say there's a little man in my pants who talks to me.

Friedland: Okay, so we need to get some pictures of a three-way online.
Cross: Just go to the Kama Sutra or something.
Me: You're not going to find anything there. The Kama Sutra has nothing to do with sex.

Friedland: Neil, did you give Friends three thumbs down on the TiVo?
Neil: Yeah, that'd be me.
Friedland: Please don't do that.
Neil: But that show SUCKS.
Friedland: Well, when you have your own TiVo, you can give it whatever rating you want.
Neil: But I'm doing you all a FAVOR!

Lisa From Blizzard: (to Jason Whong) So, yeah, he's practicing for the keynote tomorrow. It's all centering on...
Me: (standing next to Jason) Uh, wait a minute, I'm press.
Lisa: Oh, shit! *runs off*

Neil: [in regards to a wine tour] Friedland has offered to be designated spitter - that sounds really horrible.
Gil: Haha...I get to be designated swallower!

Jenn Vitale: Okay, so completely off-topic...where's Portugal?
Dan: Next to Spain.
Jenn: Ohhhhhhhhhh!

Katie: [closing menu] I already know what I'm going to have.
Me: What are you going to have?
Katie: [opening menu, brightly] ...I don't know!

Katie: *pointing at Kid Robot* And that's where I get my imported plastic toys...
Katie's Mom: Is that another one of your fetishes?
Katie: What?! Mom, no, that's not a fetish, it's a hobby.
Katie's Mom: No, it's a fetish, isn't it?
Katie: No, Mom, a fetish is sexual. This is just something I'm interested in.
Katie's Mom: Well, it all goes back to potty training.

Tien: Man, it's pretty loud in here.
Me: It was nicer here at 6:45.
Tien: Well, SOME of us had to work.
Me: Well, SOME of us got out at 5!
Tien: Well, SOME of us should shut the hell up!

Katie: You know, there are starving kids in Africa who would love that glass of champagne.
Dad: Yeah, there are kids in China that have never even tasted champagne - from France!

Katie: Remember, guys, once you've been married for three years, it's okay to threaten each other with physical violence.
Neil: Guess we jumped the gun on that one!

Katie: He'd be a lovely boyfriend.
Dan: I think he's married.
Katie: Yeah, well, that's what guns are for.