Tag Archives: snark

Some Thoughts On “The Happening”

Definitive Evidence I Am A Masochist

June has been a horrible month for movies. The month kicked off with the late May release of *Sex And The City*. My birthday was marred by the release of *Kung Fu Panda* and *Zohan*. *The Love Guru* and *Get Smart* came out this week.

But there’s one name in Hollywood that overshadows Mike Myers. One that defeats Sarah Jessica Parker. One that even beats down Adam Sandler. His name is M. Night Shyamalan.

After landing upon Christopher Orr’s amazing review/takedown of *The Happening*, I found myself reading excerpts to Katie over the phone during lunch.
“You *know* we now have to go see this,” she said.

Last night, faced with nothing else in the theatre on the positive side of the equation, I gathered my spite and bought two tickets to what could very well have been the worst major motion picture in the last five years.

As the company credits began – not the actual *movie credits*, but the *production company credits* – the laughter began.

It went downhill from there.

Continue reading Some Thoughts On “The Happening”

Old Man Simmons

Via mikey-san, excerpts from Billboard’s Gene Simmons: college kids killed music biz:

IT HAS BEEN NINE YEARS SINCE WE’VE SEEN A NEW KISS ALBUM. ANY PLANS TO GET BACK INTO THE STUDIO?

The record industry is in such a mess. I called for what it was when college kids first started download music for free — that they were crooks. I told every record label I spoke with that they just lit the fuse to their own bomb that was going to explode from under them and put them on the street.

There is nothing in me that wants to go in there and do new music. How are you going to deliver it? How are you going to get paid for it if people can just get it for free? I will be putting out a Gene Simmons box set called “Monster” — a collection of 150 unreleased songs. KISS will have another box set of unreleased music in the next year.

The record industry doesn’t have a f—ing clue how to make money. It’s only their fault for letting foxes get into the henhouse and then wondering why there’s no eggs or chickens. Every little college kid, every freshly-scrubbed little kid’s face should have been sued off the face of the earth. They should have taken their houses and cars and nipped it right there in the beginning. Those kids are putting 100,000 to a million people out of work. How can you pick on them? They’ve got freckles. That’s a crook. He may as well be wearing a bandit’s mask.

Doesn’t affect me. But imagine being a new band with dreams of getting on stage and putting out your own record. Forget it.

BUT SOME ARTISTS LIKE RADIOHEAD AND TRENT REZNOR ARE TRYING TO FIND A NEW BUSINESS MODEL.

That doesn’t count. You can’t pick on one person as an exception. And that’s not a business model that works. I open a store and say “Come on in and pay whatever you want.” Are you on f—ing crack? Do you really believe that’s a business model that works?

SO WHAT IF MUSIC JUST BECOMES FREE AND ARTISTS MAKE THEIR LIVING OFF OF TOURING AND MERCHANDISE?

Well therein lies the most stupid mistake anybody can make. The most important part is the music. Without that, why would you care? Even the idea that you’re considering giving the music away for free makes it easier to give it away for free. The only reason why gold is expensive is because we all agree that it is. There’s no real use for it, except we all agree and abide by the idea that gold costs a certain amount per ounce. As soon as you give people the choice to deviate from it, you have chaos and anarchy. And that’s what going on.

Don’t worry, Gene. Very few people have any interest in pirating your music.

Related reading: Prince is batshit insane. As is Elton John.

An Environmentally Friendly Keynote

WWDC 2007’s Keynote just ended. What many people may not know was that the keynote was part of Apple’s goal to [become a greener company](http://www.apple.com/hotnews/agreenerapple/).

An example? Here’s the list of the “10 new Leopard features” from last year’s keynote:

* 64 bit
* Time Machine
* “Complete Package” (Photo booth / Front Row / Boot Camp)
* Spaces
* Spotlight
* Core Animation
* Universal Access
* Mail.app
* Dashboard
* iChat

This year, there was another list of 10 new features.

* New Desktop
* New Finder
* Quick Look
* 64 bit
* Core Animation
* Boot Camp
* Spaces
* Dashboard
* iChat
* Time Machine

Depending on your view (“Boot Camp” was a part of the “Complete Package” feature; Quick Look is/was a part of Time Machine), you’ll see that 60-80% of this year’s Leopard demo was recycled.

Who would’ve thought Apple would go green so quickly?

Oh God, Not You

Everyone’s all up in arms today because Time Magazine, in an effort to cop out from making a decision that means absolutely nothing in the long run, has named You – yes, *you* – as the Person Of The Year. By playing the horrible, horrible Web 2.0 card:

And we didn’t just watch, we also worked. Like crazy. We made Facebook profiles and Second Life avatars and reviewed books at Amazon and recorded podcasts. We blogged about our candidates losing and wrote songs about getting dumped. We camcordered bombing runs and built open-source software.

…they utterly fail to consider that almost all of these things were happening *last* year. And most, the year before that.
I expect the market demand for [Lebowski mirrors](http://uplued.com/waffleimages/files/f4/f4210882602b1543edcd41420e6c7b377d2703c4.jpg) to go through the roof. I also expect Chrysler’s marketing department to get axed.

Chrysler, you see, is sponsoring this year’s online article for Person Of The Year, and [if you watch the ad](http://cache.ultramercial.com/d/005-434/chrysler_flash.html), you’ll notice the immediate irony:

The hell I’m not!

I look forward to the Person Of The Year 2007 being “Everybody”, followed by “Humanity” in 2008, and as a complete twist, “Those Guys” in 2009.

Easy Target: Microsoft Edition

## [Gates to end daily Microsoft role](http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/business/5085444.stm)

>Bill Gates has announced he will end his day-to-day role as head of software giant Microsoft by July 2008.

Boy. Two years. That’s some drastic business change there. Nothing shakes up a company traditionally known for glacial movement like a two year transition period.

But, then again, this IS Microsoft. And we all know how they are with sticking to announced dates.

See you in 2010, Bill!

The Worthlessness Of Mac Rumor Sites

I was asked today by a co-worker if the “[true video iPod](http://thinksecret.com/news/0602videoipod.html)” rumors from ThinkSecret were true:

> Think Secret can confirm recent rumblings that Apple is nearing completion of a completely revamped video iPod that will shed the ubiquitous mechanical click wheel for a touch screen and will sport a 3.5-inch diagonal display.

I could go on and on debunking this, but I think [Matt Thomas](http://www.iammattthomas.com/) made a [very clear point](http://www.newsvine.com/_news/2006/02/09/90927-true-video-ipod-to-have-35-inch-display-touch-screen-click-wheel#c27491) over at NewsVine, and for the sake of brevity, I will quote it entirely:

> I’m excited about this new iPod.

> In the meantime, I’ll enjoy watching TV content downloaded onto my new Mac mini with DVR that’s connected to my Apple plasma television. Later I’ll listen to my new iPod shuffle — one of the new ones released at Macworld last month — and fire up my new 13.3″ Intel-based iBook to play a few games.

> Life sure would be fun if Think Secret actually had believable sources. Sadly, that ain’t the case.

“Like A Gay Porn Site With A Mac Bent”

Oh dear. This one is going to haunt me for years.

Google recently introduced some neat free stats for webmasters, and being the eager webmaster I am, I decided to sign up and enable myself.

What I found is that while many of my top search terms are reasonable (“quicksilver os x”, “play asia”, “ny1”), my #5 Top Search Query and my #1 and #2 Top Search Query Clicks are, in the words of Rob Huebel, “un-savory”. And the problem is, I know why – at least partially.

This one is potentially not safe for work. You’re going to have to click through for the rest of the story.

Continue reading “Like A Gay Porn Site With A Mac Bent”