The Sun has learned that several thousand students will gather today to
“party” on Libe Slope in what is apparently a celebration of the last
day of classes.
The all-day event – known as “Slope Day Festival” – will involve
students “getting wrecked,” according to many who plan to attend.
Expectations have been rising for weeks, prompting the attention of
local as well as national figures.
Noted late-80s hair metal god Jani Lane, lead vocalist of “Cherry Pie”
band Warrant, voiced frustrations over having to miss the event.
“Fuck North Carolina, man,” he said, referring to the band’s next
scheduled tour date. “I want to be here tomorrow.”
Indeed, many Ithacans expressed similar sentiments. “Me and Kelli met up
with some boys from I.C., and they were pretty cute,” said one Ithaca
High School sophomore who wished to remain anonymous, as she would “get
in, like, real trouble for this.”
Local beverage outlets have reported a boom in sales over the past few
“I’ve never seen it like this before,” said one employee, who wished to
remain anonymous. “I know there’s nothing to do here but drink yourself
silly, but this is out of control.”
Curiously, there has been no corresponding increase in the sales on
non-alcoholic beverages and unsalted snack food.
Even those with counterfeit identification cards have had “no problem”
The Sun attempted to contact the administration regarding the expected
event, but it was getting late.
According to several students on campus, this celebration on the slope
has been occurring since “forever.”
“Last year, I got so wasted that I had kind of a headache the next day,”
said a sophomore who wished to remain anonymous. The sophomore reassured
The Sun that the headache subsided “after a few hours.”
One professor – who wished to remain anonymous – commented on the ritual
significance of the annual event.
“Coming so soon after May Day, we can see Slope Day as an analogue to
ancient celebrations of spring harvests and the rebirth of nature. When
students imbibe on Slope Day, they pay homage to the sacred bounties of
Mother Earth. It’s quite wonderful, really,” he said.
He added: “And it’s pretty killer when you get a buzz before 10 a.m.”
(Gracefully yoinked from the Cornell Daily Sun, May 5 2000. Much
respect to Matt Laflin, Farhad Manjoo, Mike Sharp and Joe Turk for
getting me to laugh so hard at 9 AM)